Contented

 

It's been over 3 months since I slapped my fingers around a keyboard and published a blog post. A quarter of a year seems like a long time. 3 months from today, we'll be in 2025 - a quarter of a century already gone! It seems like yesterday when the world was worried about the "Y2K bug." We survived, of course. Later, we survived conflicts, a pandemic, and a lettuce as the UK Prime Minister.

You're probably not here for an overview of the last 25 years, but I am going to talk about the last 3 months and how it's impacted my T1D. Then, a look at what the future holds.

In June, I wrote the post Changes in relation to what was about to begin - a new role in a galaxy far, far away from Diabetes. It's been fantastic. Several friends have asked "why the change?" and they enquired about the work. I did mention some aspects in the Changes post however, the change just landed in my lap. I did pursue the opportunity when it was presented to me, of course. If I didn't I wouldn't have been offered the job. The job? I write content. Some of you are really great writers with positions in the media and journalism. I can't claim to be that talented, although I do feel comfortable with the subjects I work on and the briefs sent to me.

So, how has that affected my T1D? A lot is said about how physical activity impacts blood glucose. That usually makes sense to me. Although, we're all different and I don't believe a "black and white" direction for advice is right in that area. Little is said about how mental exertion can move the line on a CGM graph. I've always been aware of it to some extent from previous roles, education, and just concentrating really hard on something simple like a family quiz. Mental exertion is undoubtedly lowering my blood glucose.

Right now, this recently rediscovered reason for a hypo isn't impacting me at all. Hybrid Closed-Loop is the techie friend that has my diabetic back. In addition, I work from home. Taking a break isn't an issue, allowing me to grab snacks, sweets, coffee, etc before a low becomes serious. Without the tech, the alarms, the suspended insulin, day-to-day work would be much tougher. 

Of course many of you don't have HCL. Maybe you don't want it or you're patiently waiting your turn to have it signed off. It's probably true that many of you have to deal with hypos at work - in an actual workplace, rather than at home. I have huge admiration for you in either or both situations if you're battling frequent hypos while trying to do your bit for society.

Greater tech access is inevitable on these shores. The constant push and advocacy from strong voices will undoubtedly open the doors for all with T1 in the coming year or two. I think that's a massive step in the right direction for diabetes care. It'll reduce instances of complications and offer a much better long term outcome for Type 1 Diabetics.

Do we (as T1Ds) need more? 

Yes, I know, a cure! Wouldn't that be lovely? I really hope for the best in that regard, but hope is all it is. The heart wants it desperately, the brain says to not give much attention to pipe dreams. 

The answer? No.

As tech develops, perhaps even a true "artificial pancreas" hits the market, then the answer will change. Until then, if you have the best care, medicine and tech, then that's as good as it gets. 

I do realise that HCL isn't for everyone for a plethora of reasons. I hope that where you are now feels like as good as it gets, or tech and meds advance soon for you to put you in that place.

Pipe dreams can become reality in time. It might be a cure, or it might be tech so advanced that it's almost the same thing. I have no doubt that one of those things will happen eventually, probably the latter. Hang in there if you're struggling frequently. 

When we get there, diabetes posts, communities, and content will likely drop off the radar in areas that no longer have the need for them. Perhaps if you've been paying attention, you'll have already noticed that decline beginning. In some ways it's a sad thing. 

There are so many great people with big hearts involved in diabetes socials, sites, charities, etc. As the years go by, as tech becomes our crutch, those entities will be less in demand. There will be no need for that type of content.

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Changes

"Pretty soon now you're gonna get older." 

Bowie was right, of course. We all get old(er) and with the passing of time there are ch, ch, ch, ch, changes to face... maybe even strange ones! I've reached a juncture in my life when changes are happening rapidly. Today, I thought I'd write about a few of those and why change isn't to be feared. 

I've written about many changes that relate to my Type 1 Diabetes over the last four or five years. From the unnecessary fights to access technology to the arrival of a new family member, Billy - my Cocker Spaniel, and everything in between. It's surprising just how many day-to-day things can impact diabetes management, and that's just life. Life with diabetes, at least. Perhaps life events, the changes, are a part of the extra 180 decisions that we diabetics must make each day. The adjustments we make to stay well in the short and long terms are probably done without much thought for the "seasoned diabetic." I suspect those who have joined the club relatively recently will be acutely aware of the changes they must make to stay on the right side of the daisies. 

So, what's changing? Firstly, some background; A couple of years ago, I became very involved with a lot of different diabetes roles. It was great. I even applied for a position at JDRF UK because I loved it so much. It was (and still is to some extent) a positive way to work - paid or voluntarily. During the Covid lockdown years, I spoke at and helped out with webinars, I spoke about diabetes on BBC radio, and focused a lot of time and energy on helping GBDoc. Once we were set free of our homes, I spoke at and attended conferences, I helped to create and attend get-togethers, I launched a T-shirt store to support a children's diabetes charity in South East Asia - eventually joining their brilliant advisory group. I got to know the inspirational Jerry Gore who spoke with me on many occasions about the issues in Ukraine, resulting in every ad' penny and "Buy Me a Coffee" penny being donated to MSF. Six weeks of my life was spent supporting Jerry on a daily basis via several social media accounts (the adding of info and updates) - I'm going to talk about Jerry in more detail on another blog. He really is a great human...

...this is becoming a "look at what I've done" paragraph. I'll stop there. The point is to highlight just how easy it is to become "entrenched" into diabetes related work. I know from conversations with many of you that your goal is to work in diabetes. That's admirable, it really is. Some of you have created community spaces with that in mind and that deserves much credit. Running a community is a thankless task for the majority of the time. The rewards can be fantastic, however. 

What's changing for me in all of the above? An old friend of mine from Vilnius dropped me a message in mid-2023. He wanted some help to complete his new website and for somebody with "a gift at marketing through written words" to polish the published pages. I spent the late summer of 2023 getting his site ready. Job done. Seemingly, a good job! A very large Fintech firm bought his site, around 8 months later. My friend introduced me to them on a very informal basis. What followed was an interview. That went well. Two example tasks arrived. I completed the tasks over an afternoon. That went well. A second interview with two senior members of staff... yeah, you're getting the gist by now - That went well. Salary expectations? (went well) and a month later; one final video call. "We're very impressed by you. You have the job." So, that went well. 

The job means that I must hang up my boots in a few roles. My usual self employed role will now cease, and that's great because I'd grown tired of that job after 12 years of shoulder breaking work. You may have already read that I'm closing the T-shirt store. I will no longer be accepting diabetes mentees. I will no longer be attending mid-week events or conferences, although I hope The Spice Girls will allow me to have lunch with them from time to time. I'll be reducing my social media time. I will no longer have enough time to create videos, especially the Dad Chats to... interviews. I'm sad about most of those things because they are so fulfilling, yet the changes are necessary to allow for a sensible work-life balance.

Some things will remain! I will continue to be a voice for people who need access to technology and medicine for their diabetes. I will continue to admin' the Men's T1D Support Group. I will always try to amplify the work of Action4Diabetes and, so long as Jerry and Charlie want me, I'll remain a part of the Type 1 Advisory Group. 

Changes aren't always something to be fearful of. Grasp the exciting opportunities when they're presented to you and, as I've mentioned previously, we're only here once. Do good things with good people. 

Of course, the blog will still be updated from time to time!

My Buy Me a Coffee page will soon be updated. From June 30 2024, all coffee donations will be forwarded to Action4Diabetes. 

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Diabetes Awareness

From June 10th, you may have noticed a great number of posts on social media that contain #DiabetesWeek or #DiabetesAwarenessWeek or similar hashtags. I think that's a great thing. I believe raising awareness can only help people who live with any type of diabetes, and in many ways. I also think it's helpful to talk about your own diabetes experience. Sharing your story, how you manage things, your great CGM results and your not so great, your recent HbA1c, why last night's hypo was utterly miserable, etc, is a positive thing in my eyes. You may be surprised at who appreciates you using your space to share your diabetes journey. I certainly do. 

While it's obvious to me that the sharing of our stories, info, data, etc is a good thing, I find myself debating just how helpful we're being in raising awareness with "the unaware." In particular, how helpful are we being in regards to awareness when the stories are shared within our communities? A little, maybe? 

I think most type 1 diabetics will understand and share a lot of the frustrations of living with the condition assuming they're not recently diagnosed. The diabetic newbie might take a few years to fully grasp life with T1 and they might welcome the sharing of the well known details of life as a Banting Juice Botherer. For the rest of us? Well, we're not being made aware of much that's for sure. We might feel less alone and our condition may feel more normalised - great things. 

Awareness for the seasoned diabetic probably comes in the form of new discoveries, new information, new tech advances and the like. Beyond that, I don't think there is much to learn. 

I'm a great believer in using time and energy effectively. We're only here once. Wasting time and energy is such a.... waste. Unless of course you enjoy it. I think someone may have written a famous quote along similar lines! It seems to me that raising awareness with the unaware is the most effective use of time and energy during such periods as #DiabetesWeek. Lifting ignorance, which undoubtedly breeds much of the stigma associated with diabetes, and encouraging kindness and understanding from non-diabetics could be massively beneficial.

I was delighted to see that CBeebies, a British TV channel aimed at children, run by the BBC, are to air a story about diabetes, read by a certain Mr Norton. I don't think there has been a more effective form of awareness raising so far in this week. Our youngsters are a smart bunch. They absorb information like a sponge and often they haven't formed any judgements about others. To educate children seems like a tremendous idea. I hope the viewers carry what they learn through the story as they grow up. Effective awareness raising.

Could this work for adults? I think the answer is; possibly. Sadly. we live in a world of "alternative facts" laced with cinnamon cures and have you read my latest bookers? To get the right message across with stubborn adults seems like a difficult mission. It could just be time to approach those types differently - by not approaching them at all.

Whaaaaaaaat!?

A lot is spoken about stigma and how terrible it is. I agree, it is horrible to feel stigmatised. Periods of awareness raising should help to reduce incidents of stigma, shouldn't they? 

Often, stigmas arrive from the ill-educated, the type who research health conditions on Facebook, and believe that wrestling is a real sport. If they're an adult with no association to diabetes. Why would they feel motivated to learn? If they're an adult who you've met on social media, there is little to no chance of your explanations being read and taken on board, little to no chance of being offered a retraction or an apology. The majority of social media regulars cannot be wrong. They view being wrong as a weakness and how they are perceived on social media is vital for their fragile egos. Instead, you'll be abused, blocked, or they'll simply fall silent for a few days. An effective use of time and energy? I think not.

There are exceptions, of course. I was delighted to see a non-diabetic CGM user respond and thank diabetics for sharing their perspective on CGM use (why he probably shouldn't use it). Most of the exchanges in that case were polite. It might be that very polite conversations are the best (only?) way to communicate with others online. Who knew!?

Look, I know it's difficult to not call out the idiots online. I am guilty of doing so. Some of you do it so brilliantly and amusingly through sarcasm, but is it really changing anything? To repeat the same experiment and expect a different outcome.... oh, you probably know that one already! 

All the above said, I encourage you to raise awareness where you can. Children are great at learning and, if you're gentle, adults might accept some truths too. Don't be put off from sharing your experiences on social media because you read this post and thought "I'm not helping." You will likely help people you don't realise exist. If you can raise awareness in non-diabetic circles then please do. I think that's the best use of your time and energy if you want to make a real difference.

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Back To The Future

Great Scott! Or similar words have been exclaimed by me since the summer of 2023. The reason for such excitement? Hybrid Closed Loop. You've probably read some of my gushing on the subject and I continue to talk positively about it today because... well, sleep never gets old.

Prior to HCL, like many using the tech, I was using a pump and various types of CGMs separately and that was perfectly acceptable. My numbers were as good as they'd ever been; Great Time In Range & HbA1c. I felt no urgency to switch to closed loop.

As is often the case, talking to peers results in changes and it was an unrelated conversation that resulted in one kind person sending me a spare Dexcom G6 transmitter... then another from another person... and Anubis transmitters from two others. People within the diabetes community are really very kind. All that tech meant I could try HCL for a good while - over 6 months. So, I did.

There are lots of posts about how well things went for me in that period. Towards the end of my HCL time, I had my diabetes review with my consultant. He agreed that HCL was working well for me and that funding would be discussed at an upcoming meeting. Fantastic!

Of course, the tech expired as tech has that annoying habit of doing. I thought nothing much of it. I assumed it would be a seamless transition back to simple pumping and CGM use. It was. Reinstalling the old app was a pain in the neck because I can never remember usernames and passwords but, after some swearing and sweating, I managed to get set up again with Dexcom One. Quite soon, I realised just how much work I was putting in to this type of management compared to the recently ended Hybrid Closed Loop days.

The numbers were not looking great. *sigh* I thought I'll get through the life of the current sensor, then I'll buy a G6 transmitter and hop back aboard the Looping train. I noted the difference in managing Type 1 Diabetes through HCL vs standard pumping, on X. Peer support came to the rescue (again). Another spare G6 transmitter landed on my doormat just two days later. The #PayItForward movement is a remarkable one. My donor would not accept any reimbursement for postage. Blessed, I promised to donate something to my favourite diabetes charity - Action4Diabetes as my own Pay It Forward. Of course, if I'm ever in a similar position to my donor friend, I will do the same thing for others. 

So, I'm back in the future! and over the last few days, the numbers are already proving how incredible the technology is once again. When just pumping and using a CGM separately, my average blood glucose was 8.5 mmol/L. I know that's not terrible, really. Yet, I could "feel" it. I was sluggish and just... blunted. Finding the right words is difficult. Needless to say, I was not myself.

And after a few days in the loop?...

Already, a significant difference over the previous 2 days. I think the numbers speak for themselves. You've probably read enough gushing from me, by now.

What happens next? I'm going to relay my experience and thoughts to my diabetes team. To move to HCL, then move off it, then move on to it again seems a little unusual and they may benefit from hearing about what has happened while looking at the data.

Also, and I've said it many times, I can never repay those who have been kind to me over my diabetes in the last 7 years - since opening up and talking about it online. I do try through various means. Some of those don't sit well with everybody and that's alright. Even the kindest will meet opposition and anger and jealousy. Do good things with good people. You'll usually finish up sleeping soundly, especially if you're using Closed Loop! 

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Acceptance

It's not easy to find an image for most blog posts. What can adequately represent diabetes in a single photo? I mean, apart from a train crash or a person screaming. Insulin seems to cover the subject pretty well. I think most people understand what an insulin pen or a vial of Banting Juice means, these days. 

It gets more difficult (to choose an image) when talking about the nuances of the condition. I think that's especially true when referring to the mental aspects of diabetes. The screaming person might work? Perhaps not for the subject of todays post; Acceptance. 

The seed for this post was planted when I read through a thread on social media. An exasperated person exclaimed "Have I got to do this for the rest of my life". It struck a chord with me, I've been there, I've said the same openly and privately over the last near 40 years. 

The first time the daunting reality of type one diabetes gave me a slap in the face was soon after my diagnosis. I had been home for only a day or two when I questioned how long I'll need to have injections for? The answer, from my mum, was truthful - forever. I've written about that story previously, you may have read it if you're a regular reader of my blog posts. Over the years, and probably following momentous diabetes events, I silently consider the condition again and how it is "forever." 

Those events? Complications are pretty high on the list. Generally, for me at least, T1D is 99% tedious, 1% terror. Complications are terrifying. If you went to your eye screening and came away with some news that was less than good, and you didn't have a little moment, then I question your humanity. Of course, there are many other examples including kidney problems, heart, etc, but you get the gist. Alongside coming to terms with the burden of this condition, diabetics have to somehow find an acceptance of what might never happen, or what is already happening because of it. Complications really do suck. 

I came to an acceptance of my T1D after a very long time. It involved; not hiding it, talking to my peers, ranting on social media, and learning all I could. I even have a Type 1 Diabetic tattoo. I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm alright with this condition being with me forever. "Alright" doesn't mean happy, far from it. I would give all I have to be free of this pissing evil. I know that's unlikely in my lifetime and I don't build up my hopes of a cure. 

So, the thread. I recognised the frustration and fear and anger in those words. I recognise how it is all amplified when a doctor, or a badly worded letter, has news that something might be wrong because of your diabetes. That background music is suddenly the dominant noise. 

I don't know if acceptance of complications or the prospect of complications is an easy thing to achieve. How do you accept what is terrifying? My own eye complications have been stable for a number of years now. The visual impairment that I was left with took several years, and some poor life choices, to come to terms with. Today, I'm a "it is what it is" type but, just like the disease that caused my VI, I would give all I have to be free of it and to have my old sight restored. Acceptance, being alright with it, does not mean happy with it.

Today is "Blue Monday" - the most depressing day of the year by all accounts. It seems appropriate that blue is associated with diabetes, a condition that undoubtedly causes depression in so many.

If you were affected by any of the words in this blog post, by diabetes, complications, or any aspect of your life today, tomorrow or any day then please seek out support. 

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Let The Storm Rage On

...the cold never bothered me anyway? Well, tis (almost) the season for such movies. You might have realised from the image above that this isn't a blog post about Frozen or Christmas  Instead, I'd like to talk about everyone's favourite subject; social media. Gah! I know quite a lot of you are now going to close this window, unfollow me, throw away your phone and report me to the police. I might deserve some of that! I mean, have you READ my tweets?! Jeez!

For the handful of you who remain, let's get into it. Sometimes, I "do a lot of socials" and not just for myself. From time to time, I work for others (volunteered and paid roles) alongside my own blathering. It's cool, I like the interactions and social media has opened a world of experiences for me. It's helped my health, too. My T1D is unrecognisable from what it used to be just 6 or 7 years ago. That's an incredible thing if you really consider it. It also paints the general population in a great light, especially diabetics, as they are the driving force behind my current diabetes management and stable health.

I've thanked the online diabetes community in several blog posts and posts on socials. They truly are a great bunch and if you're new to that world, embrace it and soak up all the info and support that you need. In other posts, I've issued warnings to people to be cautious online. Despite the majority of people having no agenda but to assist others and gain their own support, there will always be a minority who are looking for something else. What are those things? The list is likely long, but you can probably include; using others for profits, career progression, gratification, and self promotion. I've experienced those things and more. Perhaps you have, too. Whilst that's sad, particularly as the diabetes world is focused around health, it's not very surprising. This is the Internet, of course!

Part of the online diabetes community is GBDoc. You're probably aware of it if you stumbled upon this post via a link on one of my socials. I've had a lot of involvement in that community and, again, it's been tremendous. When I began tweeting about diabetes, I was very determined to not involve myself with any community or organisation. That probably lasted about a month! and after a year or so, I was asked to be a volunteer along with several others. Volunteers have come and gone in the last 5 years. They had their reasons and their departures didn't affect me. We remained friends, largely, and some are still kicking around on socials today.

And now it's my turn to depart.

I've simply lost the motivation to continue to freely give my time to GBDoc. There are reasons for that and there are absolutely a select group of people who are behind those reasons. To detail each would result in a very long blog post and it would probably create an online inferno. My own personal attacks have included accusations of stigmatising others, subversive posts that target others, discriminating against others who are not British, not fact-checking things I retweet (because I'm CNN, obviously)... and I'm going to stop there because even as I type those things, and even after some time has passed, I feel affected by those accusations and the shocking levels of entitlement to tell me how I run my own personal account. I'm not perfect. Indeed, there have been times when I've corrected or removed something I knew to be wrong or even something that could be misinterpreted. Over the years, I've listened to others and made apologies for my own errors and, unnecessarily, the misinterpretations of others. Those instances were on Twitter (now X) which has never really been the easiest place to read tone from or gain much from in the way of great detail - unless you have a verified account and you love writing essays, of course!

I'm not looking for sympathy. However, I feel sorry for my friend, Jules. She's well known for living with some serious conditions which are exacerbated by stress. To listen to her breaking and tearful about the whole saga was very tough. The non-apology and the carry-on-regardless nature of those involved was bewildering. "Bewildering" was the best I could muster after deleting various expletives. Of course, you should form your own judgements if you wish, but from someone "on the inside" I know the hurtful remarks made about GBDoc volunteers (managed by Jules) were so far removed from reality. I hope that she'll come back one day. I'm sure the community will continue to thrive in whatever guise. 

There is much more I could add to this post. I may follow up at a later date. There will, of course, be more blog posts on other subjects in the days, weeks and months to come. If you're from GBDoc, it's been lovely to volunteer for you since 2018. Stay well. 

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I Was Feeling Complicated...

...I was feeling low. Annie Lennox is bloody brilliant, isn't she? The song is Thorn In My Side by Eurythmics, and you'll probably be unaware of it if you're under 35. Put it on your Spotify while you read this post.

This post is about diabetes related complications. If the subject is too difficult for you, then please come back again for another post in the future. Normally, I wouldn't bother to put a trigger warning like that because I'm a "warts and all" diabetes blogger. However, I understand that the subject can be upsetting for people who live with diabetes and their loved ones because it is so utterly dreadful. So, if you're still here, let's begin.

The story of my own diabetes related complications has been well documented in this blog and across my social media accounts. If you're unaware, and in short, I suffered severe eye complications from around 2010 - 2012. I had several surgeries and I spent a good deal of those two years living in near blindness. Things improved and although I am "registered as blind" I am far from it. The reality is I have a visual impairment that does impact my day to day living... actually day to night living, my night vision is shocking, and I need to wear specs to read and write incredible blog posts such as this one.

As I head rapidly towards 40 years with T1D, I count myself lucky to only have had that experience of complications. Oh, if I could change history and not go through that then I absolutely would! I count myself lucky because I know many others who have been through more, much more, much worse and they keep on fighting with lots more day to day (or night) issues than I have. Also, as I've aged (matured?) with my eye complications and embraced the lived experience of others with T1D, I have come to realise something:

I was wrong.

An admission of being incorrect is a tough one to express. It's rare to read of anybody back-tracking and changing a firmly held view. I don't know why, as human beings, we're so proud about always being right. I mean, just by pure chance, sometimes you'll be wrong... right? Anyway! Why was I wrong? Well, for several years and up until very recently I've harboured a feeling of self-blame for my eye complications. I may have even written about it a few years ago, but then I never touched on the subject again. Pride? Over time, and with more experience, I've come to realise that I've been wrong to shoulder the blame for what I went through.

I'm not going to shift the blame for my complications to another person. Why it happened, is down to one thing; Type 1 Diabetes. After that, the reasons don't really matter. History cannot be changed. Yet, for a long time I put the blame on myself, the missed appointments, literally running out of an appointment for laser surgery, hiding away and pretending it wasn't happening. 

To run away from you

Was all that I could do

Annie was probably referring to an ex-lover. For me, to run away from those scary appointments felt like my only option, the easy option, and I was an adult. Nobody was forcing me to attend. Indeed, nobody would chase up missed appointments or why I'd scarpered part-way through laser surgery. Why would they? DNA (Did Not Attend) is a common thing in the NHS and the reasons for that can be complex rather than simply the patient just doesn't care about themselves. If the patient doesn't care about themselves, surely they are in the greatest need of the soonest care? A discussion or a blog post for another time, perhaps.

I should've known better

But I got what I deserved

Was exactly my thoughts for many years. I was told by enough healthcare professionals. Yet, "told" is something we experience a lot when attending our diabetes reviews.

"You need to get your A1c down"

"You need to have less hypos"

"You need to check your blood glucose more often"

The list is long and, if you have T1D, you've probably got your own extensive list of "tolds". 

Modern care has come to realise that the harsh approach, the scaremongering, doesn't work very well on the whole. I agree. It clearly didn't work for me having been subjected to scaremongering from an early age. Perhaps if all of my diabetes history was analysed, those early years were the seeds planted for my mid-life complications harvest. Who knows? Again, I'm not shifting blame for my complications to another person or persons. Diabetes got me here, my own immune system did the dirty work. What followed was a war and in every war there is suffering - my left retina took the brunt.

Complications are indeed a thorn in my side, today. Hopefully, they won't be for you. If you do get some bad news, I have some words for you:

It's not your fault. Don't put yourself through what I have for a decade.

Complications treatments are as good as they've ever been.

Be brave. You're only here once and you matter.

Things will get better or settle down. 

Seek support. The NHS might offer it to you - take it! 

Talk and share. The huge #GBDoc community has more experience than any clinic. We got you.

This post was tougher to write than I expected. Thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time.

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