I Was Feeling Complicated...

...I was feeling low. Annie Lennox is bloody brilliant, isn't she? The song is Thorn In My Side by Eurythmics, and you'll probably be unaware of it if you're under 35. Put it on your Spotify while you read this post.

This post is about diabetes related complications. If the subject is too difficult for you, then please come back again for another post in the future. Normally, I wouldn't bother to put a trigger warning like that because I'm a "warts and all" diabetes blogger. However, I understand that the subject can be upsetting for people who live with diabetes and their loved ones because it is so utterly dreadful. So, if you're still here, let's begin.

The story of my own diabetes related complications has been well documented in this blog and across my social media accounts. If you're unaware, and in short, I suffered severe eye complications from around 2010 - 2012. I had several surgeries and I spent a good deal of those two years living in near blindness. Things improved and although I am "registered as blind" I am far from it. The reality is I have a visual impairment that does impact my day to day living... actually day to night living, my night vision is shocking, and I need to wear specs to read and write incredible blog posts such as this one.

As I head rapidly towards 40 years with T1D, I count myself lucky to only have had that experience of complications. Oh, if I could change history and not go through that then I absolutely would! I count myself lucky because I know many others who have been through more, much more, much worse and they keep on fighting with lots more day to day (or night) issues than I have. Also, as I've aged (matured?) with my eye complications and embraced the lived experience of others with T1D, I have come to realise something:

I was wrong.

An admission of being incorrect is a tough one to express. It's rare to read of anybody back-tracking and changing a firmly held view. I don't know why, as human beings, we're so proud about always being right. I mean, just by pure chance, sometimes you'll be wrong... right? Anyway! Why was I wrong? Well, for several years and up until very recently I've harboured a feeling of self-blame for my eye complications. I may have even written about it a few years ago, but then I never touched on the subject again. Pride? Over time, and with more experience, I've come to realise that I've been wrong to shoulder the blame for what I went through.

I'm not going to shift the blame for my complications to another person. Why it happened, is down to one thing; Type 1 Diabetes. After that, the reasons don't really matter. History cannot be changed. Yet, for a long time I put the blame on myself, the missed appointments, literally running out of an appointment for laser surgery, hiding away and pretending it wasn't happening. 

To run away from you

Was all that I could do

Annie was probably referring to an ex-lover. For me, to run away from those scary appointments felt like my only option, the easy option, and I was an adult. Nobody was forcing me to attend. Indeed, nobody would chase up missed appointments or why I'd scarpered part-way through laser surgery. Why would they? DNA (Did Not Attend) is a common thing in the NHS and the reasons for that can be complex rather than simply the patient just doesn't care about themselves. If the patient doesn't care about themselves, surely they are in the greatest need of the soonest care? A discussion or a blog post for another time, perhaps.

I should've known better

But I got what I deserved

Was exactly my thoughts for many years. I was told by enough healthcare professionals. Yet, "told" is something we experience a lot when attending our diabetes reviews.

"You need to get your A1c down"

"You need to have less hypos"

"You need to check your blood glucose more often"

The list is long and, if you have T1D, you've probably got your own extensive list of "tolds". 

Modern care has come to realise that the harsh approach, the scaremongering, doesn't work very well on the whole. I agree. It clearly didn't work for me having been subjected to scaremongering from an early age. Perhaps if all of my diabetes history was analysed, those early years were the seeds planted for my mid-life complications harvest. Who knows? Again, I'm not shifting blame for my complications to another person or persons. Diabetes got me here, my own immune system did the dirty work. What followed was a war and in every war there is suffering - my left retina took the brunt.

Complications are indeed a thorn in my side, today. Hopefully, they won't be for you. If you do get some bad news, I have some words for you:

It's not your fault. Don't put yourself through what I have for a decade.

Complications treatments are as good as they've ever been.

Be brave. You're only here once and you matter.

Things will get better or settle down. 

Seek support. The NHS might offer it to you - take it! 

Talk and share. The huge #GBDoc community has more experience than any clinic. We got you.

This post was tougher to write than I expected. Thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time.

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The Darkest Hour

Mental Health Awareness week is coming to an end and, for the first time really, I've been quite active about raising awareness of mental health issues on social media. During the last week, I have read about the issues faced by others within the diabetes community. I have also had several conversations with fellow diabetics about their mental health and shared my own thoughts in turn.

During a couple of conversations, diabetes related complications became the subject. It seems very reasonable to be fearful or anxious about complications, whether you've experienced them personally already or you've simply heard about them - yet managed to stay complications free. These particular conversations were on a mentor to mentee basis (I help to mentor a handful of people living with T1D) and so it wasn't appropriate for me to use that time to fully open up about my experiences. Some of my mentees pay for my time and it's important to focus on their issues, rather than drift off into my experiences. However, as we touched on some aspects of mental health in relation to diabetes complications the memories came flooding back.

Before we tuck into the main course of this blog post, I'm going to put a trigger warning here. Below, I will be writing about diabetes related complications, depression, and suicide. So, if you're upset by those subjects or they trigger you in a negative way, then please close this window and drop by again later for another blog post. Thank you.

Type 1 Diabetes had never really impacted upon my mental health. I'd had the condition for around a quarter of a century, from childhood until my early 30s, and although it was a massive annoyance and it nearly killed me a couple of times it wasn't affecting my life much. I'd been married, had two children, I was working for a TV channel in London, drove a fancy car, and I was flying around Europe to play poker tournaments. Much more was going on at that time, too! Needless to say, I was enjoying life and I didn't have much time for diabetes. My autobiography will tell you about that time.

Diabetes got angry at my ignoring of it. It'll do that, it's very needy. As my vision began to change, as little black dots appeared, as things became more and more blurry, I knew that I couldn't keep my head in the sand forever. I'd already been diagnosed with retinopathy at that stage. If you've read my previous blog posts on the subject, you'll know the story from then on. 

What I haven't ever spoken about is the affect that this period had on my mental health. Sure, I've joked that it was "a pretty dark time" but that's about it. The truth is that it was a terrible time. Once the initial feelings of anger, self-pity and guilt had subsided, I felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and that didn't disappear very quickly at all. It took many operations and around 18 month - 2 years of my life until I found some hope again. 

The title of this blog is The Darkest Hour. When I think of this time, many hours were dark (stop with the puns!) yet there was one particular time when I had firm plans to end my life. I am sorry to my friends and loved ones if reading that upsets you. The time frame is a little hazy, but it was around a year into my life as a very, very, visually impaired person (almost entirely blind). I'd had several operations on one eye with very limited success and no "work" had taken place on the other one at that stage. I considered what the future held for me, what had been, what I'm currently missing. A spiral of depression began and I became comfortable in planning my demise. So much so that I told a trusted person of how long I'd be waiting before calling it a day. That time was approx' a month after my next operation. I figured I'd give some time for things to settle down after the op, talk to my surgeon about what could be done from then on, and if the situation was to stay the same then I'd go through with my plan. 

Losing my sight was devastating, but it was also the fact that it was happening to me in my 30s. I imagined what might happen in my 40s, 50s and beyond. I had no intention of slowly decaying and putting my family under the stress of witnessing that and caring for me. I won't be writing about my plans to die in any detail in this blog post or anywhere else. I'm absolutely not here to put plans into heads.

I'm still here, in my 40s, so you already know that things changed for me. I remember that day as clearly (pun?) as any in my life. After getting the thumbs up from my surgeon, I could look my children in their faces and see their eyes and their smile. Everything changed. Oh sure, I've made monumental balls ups of many things since that day in 2012, but I've become more appreciative of life, more understanding of the desperation felt by others when life becomes intolerable, more respectful of diabetes and more engaged about my own health.

So, here's a thing; I was wrong. Wrong to make plans to end things, but in hindsight I understand why I was in that position. What I needed was support to help me deal with the devastating news and the long period of time as a severely visually impaired person. What I got was a meeting with a blind persons charity, in the eye clinic waiting room, surrounded by many other patients. That was followed up with a home visit to ask what I needed in a practical sense for living at home. I was given a talking blood glucose meter. Cool, thanks. No psychological support was offered.

I feel very lucky. The brilliance of my surgeon saved my sight and, in the process, my life.

I've been wondering how to end this blog post without sounding patronising and without doing the "My DMs are open, message me if you want to talk" virtue signalling nonsense. How about this:

If you're in a bad place with your mental health, diabetes related or otherwise, hold on. Life is long and sometimes things can take what seems like ages to change. You may feel that change is impossible, even if change means you must adjust to new circumstances, but it will happen and you can adjust. Seek the right help to support you. You'll need professional organisations and possibly psychological help. Be honest with your family and trusted friends.

You might also benefit from just talking. There is no shame in feeling depressed, anxious or even suicidal and when it comes to diabetes, we got you. I got you.

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Type 1 Diabetes and Sight Loss

 

I am often asked about my sight loss in relation to my T1D. How it came about, how I adjusted, acceptance and advice are often subjects of conversation and I'm very happy to discuss. Complications are a thing for some T1Ds and we shouldn't avoid the subject. Here's a little about my diabetic retinopathy without too many gory details. 

As a person living with type 1 diabetes and sight loss, my journey has been filled with challenges and triumphs. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 8 and experienced some eye complications due to high blood sugar levels at age 31. Eventually, my eyesight started to deteriorate, and I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy.

The diagnosis was devastating for me. Losing my sight meant losing a part of myself, and I had to come to terms with the fact that my life would never be the same. I had to learn new ways of doing things, like cooking, cleaning, and getting around. It was difficult, but with the support of my family and healthcare team, I learned to adapt. I haven't lost all of my eyesight, but enough to be registered as blind. That feels like a very strange thing to type because I'm not blind. If you've met me, you've probably noticed that I can get around pretty well. Indeed, my sight is as good today as it's ever been since my retinopathy diagnosis. I prefer "visually impaired" when describing my sight loss as that's more accurate. Although, some hear visually impaired and automatically assume totally blind - for me that's far from correct. 

One of the biggest challenges I faced was managing my diabetes and my vision loss. I had to learn how to measure my insulin doses, check my blood sugar, and administer my insulin injections without relying on my sight. It was a lot of trial and error, but I eventually found a routine that worked for me.

Living with sight loss and type 1 diabetes has also taught me the importance of self-care. I've had to make my health a priority and take care of my body in ways that I may not have otherwise. I make sure to exercise regularly, eat a varied diet, and keep up with my doctor's appointments to prevent any further complications.

Despite the challenges, my journey has also been filled with triumphs. I've been able to pursue my passions, like diabetes advocacy, writing and public speaking, and inspire others living with sight loss and diabetes. I've learned to appreciate the little things in life, like the sound of birds chirping or the feeling of a warm cup of coffee in my hand.

Living with sight loss and type 1 diabetes is not easy, but it has taught me resilience and strength. It has taught me to never give up and to always find a way to overcome obstacles. I hope that my story can inspire others living with these conditions to keep fighting and to never lose hope. If you get a diabetes related eye complication then it's alright to be fearful, angry, upset and even depressed. Nobody wants that news, but know this; most eye complications can be easily treated and needn't be as severe as mine if you attend your appointments and follow the advice you're given. 

I have written other blogs on this subject with more detail regarding surgeries and treatments. Take a look through my posts and have a read if you're interested in that. 

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Charles Bonnet Syndrome

What is Charles Bonnet Syndrome? and why the photo of Abraham Lincoln? I'm glad that you asked! because that's what today's blog post is about.

I've been talking about eyes and complications on various platforms, lately, following the stopping of my long term eye medications. You might already know the deal with me; eye complications from T1D, surgeries, pressure, yadda yadda. You might have read or heard me talking about scotomas, too. However, I've rarely spoken about my experiences of Charles Bonnet Syndrome.

Who on earth is Charles Bonnet? A pretty interesting fellow, by all accounts. You could do some Googling to find out because I'm more interested in the syndrome than the person. Wikipedia says this about the man and the syndrome:

"In 1760 he described a condition now called Charles Bonnet Syndrome,^[7] in which vivid, complex visual hallucinations (fictive visual percepts) occur in psychologically normal people. (He documented it in his 87-year-old grandfather,^[8] who was nearly blind from cataracts in both eyes but perceived men, women, birds, carriages, buildings, tapestries and scaffolding patterns.) Most people affected are elderly with visual impairments, however the phenomenon does not occur only in the elderly or in those with visual impairments; it can also be caused by damage elsewhere in their optic pathway or brain."

Hallucinations?! Yikes! It sounds pretty scary and, to begin with at least, it was. Let's rewind a decade, I'd recently had my first eye surgery and things hadn't improved. My ever decreasing vision was still very poor and I'd resigned myself to a long period, maybe life, of very limited eyesight. It was a dark period for me both mentally and physically. One morning, I woke to find, to my utter bewilderment, Abraham Lincoln walking by the foot of my bed. He looked directly at me and then sort of melted away into the wall. Strange, I thought, I don't remember taking LSD last night. At the same time, I was paralysed by fear. I remember staying in bed for at least 20 minutes trying to piece together what had just happened. Was I really awake? 

The experience dominated my thoughts through the rest of the day. I had convinced myself that I was somehow half the way between waking and sleeping, that my lost eye sight had tricked my brain into being asleep and desperately trying to not worry about dementia or "going mad".

Some time went by, maybe a week or so, before it happened again. No visits from Lincoln, though. That's far too wacky! This time a far more realistic smile from Queen Victoria before she turned her head and vanished. That sparked a bunch of hallucinations which ranged from various Victorian age dressed people to my best friend sitting on my toilet, cheerfully exclaiming "Hello mate!" and disappearing - Although I couldn't hear him say it, it was simply "mouthed" at me.

By now, as you might imagine, I was getting a little worried for my sanity. Weirdly, I had stopped becoming frightened of the hallucinations and felt disappointed when they vanished. Perhaps seeing something clearly again was the reason for the "feel good" and my brain was releasing some kind of chemical.

Of course, I was unaware that I was experiencing Charles Bonnet Syndrome. It took a visit from a charity worker to explain that what I was going through was completely normal. He even asked the question "Old fashioned things?". I laughed out of relief and started to look forward to my next round of visits from a different century. Sadly, they never returned. It was as if my brain had worked it out and decided I no longer needed to be fed these images. Soon after that, more surgeries and the slow recovery of my sight began. 

Head to the NHS website to read more about this syndrome and the hallucinations in detail. However, they're not dangerous, they are common for anybody of any age following sight loss, they do stop.

As always, I encourage everybody who has diabetes to attend their eye screening appointments. Please go to any follow ups and have any treatments offered to you. 

Thank you so much for reading this blog. I do appreciate your visit and your support. As you might know, I LOVE COFFEE! So I've teamed up with a thing called Buy Me A Coffee. If you enjoy my content and appreciate the time it takes to create such things then you can buy me a coffee! If you leave your Twitter @ name when you buy me a coffee, I will personally thank you. If you'd rather be anonymous then that's totally cool. Thanks for the caffeine!

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Diabetes & Pain

Apologies for the rather dramatic image. Imagery which represents pain is not an easy thing to find unless a scrunched up face is your go-to. It has been a pain to find a suitable photo. Not as much of a pain as Diabetes. 

If you read or publish your own stuff on the Internet, perhaps via social media, then you've probably engaged with somebody who has had an "ouch" moment. You've probably experienced several, yourself. That's life, right? We experience pain because our brain is telling us something is wrong and to warn us that we're possibly damaging ourselves. We avoid pain because it's unpleasant. Yet with Diabetes, specifically Type 1 in my case, pain appears to be an acceptable part of the day to day management of the condition, at least in it's physical sense.

I've been thinking about some of the pain which I've experienced from near 37 years of T1D.

Those first few days were brutal, as an 8 year old boy. The guillotine-style finger pricker might seem like a horrendous looking thing to use, these days but when compared to a manual prick from a ward nurse it was very welcomed! The finger pricks became the first thing that I became conditioned to. They still hurt of course and they still hurt today! But something doesn't really register as a pain, eventually. Perhaps the brain knows what's coming and it's all; 'Okay cool, another finger prick, have a drop of blood.' I think finger pricks, today are relatively low on the pain threshold. Pricking devices have advanced, we can pre-determine the depth of the prick (stop laughing) and lancets seem very good compared to those of the mid 1980s - assuming you change them. You do change them, right? 

In the early years, needle tech and information wasn't great. I remember those syringe needles being pretty big and getting used several times. Little wonder that my injection sites were frequently bruised. I remember it took 3 or 4 days before I no longer needed a team of HCPs to hold me down for my twice daily jabs. Now, of course, injection technique is a thing. Needle length is a thing and single use is definitely a thing. Injections still hurt but far less than the early days. I think the advancements in injection tech and knowledge have reduced the pain in that area. 

Recently, I've started pumping (you may have noticed) and that means a different type of pain; cannula insertion. I prefer using an insertion device, some prefer manual insertion. Either way, you're going to insert a needle and cannula into you and withdraw the needle while leaving the cannula behind so you can pump insulin in. I've only ever done this to myself, no HCP has helped or advised, although for the first two insertions I had the help and patience of a friend on Zoom. I found manual insertion to be more painful than using an insertion device. That might be because I'm slow and deliberate rather than fast and zappy. It's generally the same pain level as a syringe or insulin pen needle injection but I have found the after sting lasts for a little longer. In addition, boluses can sometimes feel "a bit stingy" although I've found that to be site dependent. 

Ah, technology. A wonderful thing. It still hurts. I'm currently using GlucoMen Day CGM and that is the least painful CGM that I've used to date. No guide needle helps to minimise the skin trauma. When it's in, it's in. It probably hurts more to remove the sensor because the adhesive keeps it so firmly attached.

Libre? Possibly the more painful of the glucose devices, for me. Although, again, that is somewhat site dependent. I have found the upper thighs hurt the least and that is the same for every Diabetes tech device which I've inserted there. Have you got a favourite site?

Adhesive? My advice is to choose a not-very-hairy site on your body. Some of that stuff will give you a tiny area of your body a free waxing as a part of the deal when you remove the device. Ouch.

T1D means that the possibly of Diabetes related complications can be a thing in our lives. I'm going to talk about the one which has impacted upon me. I recognise that there are many others and you'll all have your own experiences if complications have visited you. 

Diabetic Retinopathy wasn't a very painful experience. Changes in the eyes and even bleeds don't tend to be painful. The treatment and additional complications have been. Laser treatment in clinic was uncomfortable with moments of moderate, stinging, pain but if I had to go through that again it wouldn't unduly worry me in regards to how much it's going to hurt. Deep laser, done in theatre, was more uncomfortable. That involved an injection to numb the eye and a period of  soreness for several days. I hope that you'll never experience those things but if you do then please just do it. It's really not awful and your eyesight is worth it and more.

Speaking of more. A vitrectomy?... or two. That's a more invasive procedure and you'll need a GA rather than a local because you really don't want to be awake for that. Post-surgery resulted in a headache and eye pain which grew in intensity. Eventually, drops and Tramadol calmed things down enough for me to stop praying for the merciful release of death. What followed was 2 weeks of soreness and posturing. Posturing is not fun. It involves being face down for 50 minutes of every hour. EVERY hour. to protect the retina. So, 4 weeks of my life, I spent looking at the floor, pillow, sofa, etc and that is no party for your back and neck. And that's how Diabetic Retinopathy gave me a bad back. 

There is more and I've saved the best/worst until last. Ocular Hypertension. The gift of retinopathy kept giving some 3 years after my last surgery. It started with a very mild, niggly, headache. I took a couple of Ibuprofen and tried to carry on with my day. Within a few hours I was unable to look at a screen and beginning to worry. By the early evening I was already in bed and despite trying different painkillers, nothing was working. At that stage, I began to vomit from the pain and the debate of when or if to go to hospital was had. There is an emergency eye dept right besides my usual eye clinic. They opened at 8am and I decided that it would be better to present there, rather than general A&E and potentially being admitted. I was sure this was an eye related issue and nothing more sinister and that spending the night on my hands and knees, because that was the most comfortable position, and crying quietly was best done in privacy in my own home.

Eye pressure is "scored" just like your blood glucose. A normal range is something in the teens. My right eye was 14. My left eye, my agonising eye, was 48. I was lucky to present at Eye Casualty at this time as one of the nicest, most experienced eye surgeons was in the building. I will never forget the compassion and clear explanation given to me by Mr Kowatowski. Within 30 minutes I was on IV drugs which began to lower the pressure in my eye. The relief was tremendous and from that and probably not having any sleep for 24 hours, not to mention the worry about my sight, I had another little weep. 

My words probably do not carry enough weight for the pain which I felt from the high pressure in my eye. It is by far, without a shadow of a doubt, the single most painful thing I've ever experienced. I've had a broken rib, twisted ankles and a biopsy on my tongue. None of those are in the same league as Ocular Hypertension. So, when you see me encouraging my peers to attend their eye screening appointments, it is for good reason.

Pain relief is something which affects us, as people with T1D, too. Tramadol is a strong pain killer but it has been noted to cause hypos! Co-codamol, which you might be prescribed for a frozen shoulder (I was) is a strong one, too and although it never caused me any blood glucose issues, it was really difficult to wake up of a morning. Naproxen gets commonly prescribed but that can cause stomach issues. And then, of course, Paracetamol and Ibuprofen - they might work for mild pain and don't appear to have any immediate effects on my Diabetes.

Physical pain as a result of Type 1 Diabetes appears to be inevitable, from the very common, mildest and briefest of stings right up to the insanity inducing agony - which I truly hope is a rarity.

Mental pain is another issue, a very important issue, which has only recently begun to be recognised amongst HCPs in Diabetes. I'll blog about that on another day. Until then, tell me about your physical Diabetes pain. Leave a comment below or catch me on Twitter.

Thank you so much for reading this blog. I do appreciate your visit and your support. As you might know, I LOVE COFFEE! So I've teamed up with a thing called Buy Me A Coffee. If you enjoy my content and appreciate the time it takes to create such things then you can buy me a coffee! If you leave your Twitter @ name when you buy me a coffee, I will personally thank you. If you'd rather be anonymous then that's totally cool. Thanks for the caffeine!

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